This evening, I was sitting on the couch watching ‘Taken’ (the TV show not one of the movies) and it occurred to me that I was sitting on the couch watching a show and I wasn’t stressed to buggery about birthdays and Christmas looming.
I wasn’t bothered at all.
I remember a time (years of it, in fact, it was constant) when I was bothered by everything. I was responsible for raising humans and keeping them alive, putting food on the table, buying uniforms, stationery, shoes, school bags, paying for doctor visits, buying groceries – the list was exhausting. I crossed my fingers and hoped like hell I could sell some books to make a birthday happen or Christmas or get new clothes for whoever needed them because my budget was already stretched to capacity with every day life.
I hoped I didn’t need to go to the doctor or dentist. I saved as much as I could. I am a wizard at budgeting and I know where every fucking cent goes. Instead of spending $2 to take the bus I’d walk 4km in the rain because that $2 was better spent on something the kids needed.
When I did have a little extra, I made the most of it.
My birthday and Christmas money from Superman went on birthdays (not mine), Christmas, and some would be put in the back-to-school account. (That makes it sound like I got a small fortune for my birthday and Christmas. To me it was. It was a grand total of $400.)
I had to know that by mid-January I would have enough to get whatever was needed for school in Feb.
I don’t have a credit card. If we needed something I saved for it and that is still true.
The bills were and are always paid on time. I was never in debt. I am not in debt now.
I don’t have a car. (There’s some irony in that, there are two cars in the driveway right now, but I don’t drive.)
I have a kid who got severe migraines – she barely got through two days of school a week – then she had a reprieve for two years and then got ME/CFS. There were no breaks to catch. There was stress. Worry. Terror. Doing everything I could think of to make life better while making sure I was there for her. Get to the right Dr. Get Health School involved to take the pressure off dealing with the school and teachers. Fighting to keep her safe.
The bills were always paid on time.
The kids were always fed well. And like kids, they didn’t always like what I made for dinner because kids can be fussy. Some days I did not tolerate that well.
I was still writing and the kids had no idea how hard life really was. That’s not entirely true. Freda knew. She knew how hard I worked and how hard I budgeted and how precarious everything was. She knew about my safety net. I have a minimum amount I keep in the bank – it’s the line I will not cross. It has to be there for emergencies. And regular life is not an emergency. Wanting something is not an emergency.
This year is the first year in a very long time that I have a little bit extra.
Christmas is the smallest it’s ever been and I am 100% okay with that.
I don’t have to say “Not at the moment”, “Can we look at that again in a couple of months?”, “I can’t do that this week.”, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”, and if something breaks I’m probably not going to cry.

No one knows what challenges other people face and you cannot tell from the surface what’s bubbling beneath.
Be kind, always.
And buy books! 🙂

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